Adjusting to senior living situations takes planning, communication

| DANNY GAWLOWSKI THE BELLINGHAM HERALD

• Settling into new living choices

• QUESTIONS TO ASK
  
  When looking at long-term care facilities, the following questions may prove helpful.
  
  1. Is it independent living, assisted living or a nursing home?
  2. Is Alzheimer’s/dementia treatment available or nearby?
  3. Is 24-hour staffing available?
  4. Do skilled nurses work at the facility?
  5. Are pets allowed?
  6. How many beds/units are there?
  7. Is Medicaid accepted?
  8. Is there on-site transportation?
  
  KEY AMENITIES
  
  1. Dining rooms/meals/cooking
  2. Emergency health care
  3. Transportation
  4. Television capacities
  5. Pets
  6. Elevators
  7. Housekeeping
  8. Bathing assistance
  9. Beauty salons
  10. Fitness facilities
  11. Technology/Internet
  12. Opportunities to socialize
• RIGHT-SIZE YOUR LIFE IN 7 STEPS
  
  1. Decide on a space.
  2. Identify your favorite things.
  3. Edit possessions.
  4. Fine tune personal treasures and collections.
  5. Pare down the “killer categories:” clothing and paperwork.
  6. Call in the professionals.
  7. Stay sane during the move.
  
  PRISONER TO POSSESSIONS
  
  Ten common ways we justify holding on to possessions:
  
  1. I might need it someday.
  2. I feel guilty getting rid of it because …
  3. I paid a lot of money for it.
  4. I just need to fix it.
  5. I promised to take care of it forever.
  6. I don’t know where to take it to get rid of it.
  7. I just need a few more pieces to make a set.
  8. I can use it for parts.
  9. I am identified by everyone for collecting it.
  10. I’ll lose part of myself if I get rid of it.
  
  6 STEPS TO PASSING ON POSSESSIONS
  
  1. Understand the sensitivity of the issue.
  2. Determine what you want to accomplish.
  3. Determine what “fair” means in the context of your family.
  4. Identify the meaning of objects.
  5. Recognize distribution options and consequences.
  6. Agree to manage conflicts.

“Home is such a big part of people’s history and being; people do not leave that easily,” says Victoria Doerper, executive director of the Northwest Regional Council, an Area Agency for Aging. “Making the choice is often a lengthy process.”

COOKING UP A MOVE

Esther Kelley, an 85-year-old resident of Lynden Manor, knows all about preparation — now. She and her husband of 66 years, Earl, relocated from Wyoming three years ago to be near family.

“Cooking was my hobby, and I had a collection of 4,000 cookbooks,” she says. “I had been collecting all those books in Wyoming for many, many years, but I knew it was time to let most of them go. I still have a few of my favorites, though.”

Happily, she’s found ways to remain involved in gastronomic pursuits, such as serving on Lynden Manor’s food committee along with a friend, 81-year-old Vera Tedford, who is also a cooking enthusiast.

Regardless of our love for stuff, the most important issue relating to the move for seniors should be health considerations. Fairhaven Estates resident Leone Christie says that’s vital. “That’s what I’m here to talk about,” she says. “My message is extremely important: Don’t wait too long before you move. Be aware of your physical limitations. That’s so important.”

Christie, 89, had lived in Bellingham since 1943 when she moved to Fairhaven Estates more than four years ago. Before that, she had to undergo surgery for an injury caused by a falling planter, and she also had to be treated for several strokes. “I haven’t had any of these problems since I moved to Fairhaven Estates,” she says. “But it’s so important for me to know help is right here for me, if I should need it.”

She says she began to understand when it was time to make her move, even though she had greatly enjoyed living on her own in a doublewide mobile home with a lovely garden. “I began to realize I was getting tired, and I began to realize we move only one way,” she says. “I always thought time would drag when I got old, but it’s just the opposite. I found that time flies when you get old.”

At Lynden Manor, Tedford says she had “no fears at all” because she was emotionally prepared to move and she likes the facility.

“I had a beautiful condo in Lynden, but all of a sudden, I realized I needed to be with people,” she says. “I love people, and so I made a definite decision. I wanted to go to assisted living.”

MEASURING THE ROOM

Annette Gardner, an 85-year-old widow, opted to leave her condo to live at The Willows because she wanted to make more friends. “I came to Bellingham because I strongly wanted to be closer to family,” she says. “But after three years of living alone, I was tired of cooking and eating by myself. I welcomed the change to The Willows. I found it was easy to make new friends here.”

That kind of easy adjustment is the goal of Debbie Gann, the president of the local consortium Elder Service Providers and owner/director of Home Attendant Care.

“Some people need to be sociable, while others need to consider where they can have quiet family visits,” she says. “Lots of people have fears of abandonment. I try to help relieve fears and anxieties, whether people are staying in their own homes or relocating.”

“There is no such thing as a typical move,” says Bellingham’s Leslie Beia, the owner of Heart and Hands Relocation and Estate Services. She helps seniors consolidate possessions and move as a certified member of the National Association of Senior Home Managers.

“It all comes down to adequate preparation and dealing with hard realities, not only in picking a facility that meets health-care needs, but in understanding what it means to downsize. (Getting rid of) objects can really be a struggle for seniors to get through.”

Beia says seniors are likely to emerge from the relocation process happier if they make an inventory of their possessions.

“First, I advise them to consider what they would take with them if they had only one hour to leave their homes,” she says. “Those possessions are their non-negotiables. Then we’ll talk about a “three-hour emergency move” and explore those options.

“When seniors actually pick a place to live, I encourage them to measure their rooms, or to get their families to help them measure. There’s no point in taking more furniture than you can fit in the room,” she says. “That just causes more problems and makes the move a lot tougher.”

At The Willows, Beth Sizer laughs when she recalls arriving with too much furniture, even though she was looking forward to her move and to downsizing.

“I took way more furniture than I needed,” she says. “But I didn’t find the process (of weeding out) hard. People talk about giving up their freedoms, but what freedoms are they talking about? I gave up freedoms like cleaning, cooking and washing dishes. Now I couldn’t be happier here.”

Sizer made sure to keep a special scrapbook. She was the first baby born in 1931 in Bellingham, and has all the press clippings and related memorabilia of her birth. Now that’s a non-negotiable!

At Lynden Manor, Earl Kelley talks about how “we packed emotionally instead of professionally” for their move, besides dealing with Esther’s cookbooks.

Esther notes that made the move tougher than it might have. “We brought much more stuff than we should have,” she says. “When you look into that empty room (to which a senior is moving) and start filling it up, you realize it’s a different situation. You just get numb. You sort and you sort and you sort.”

Tedford, their friend, says she made her adjustment easier by carefully selecting a few favorite pieces of furniture. “I brought my bed, my nightstand, three chairs, a curio cabinet and my TV,” she says.

FINDING INFORMATION EASILY

At the Northwest Regional Council, Doerper and Maureen Kane, the supervisor of senior information and assistance, say seniors should consider their needs for amenities well before they make their moves. As an Area Agency for Aging (an outgrowth of the Older Americans Act passed by Congress more than 30 years ago), they offer a wealth of checklists and other information about the amenities at 30 large Whatcom County residential facilities for seniors.

This information can make a prospective move easier, enabling seniors and their families to zero in on what they most need.

For example, there’s a “quick glance” checklist dealing with all services, so that if people need to know which facilities will accept pets, or which offer possible residence for Medicaid recipients, it’s easy to see. (The answers: All but nine facilities take small pets; all but four can accept people on Medicaid.)

At Elder Service Providers, Gann says seniors often make their moves easier by being realistic about finances. Costs can run from slightly less than $1,000 per month to more than $4,000. They also need to be clear about whether they’re moving to be closer to family or for other reasons, such as daily medical care or the need for more social contact.

“I make some recommendations to consider; I try to see seniors get a good fit,” says Gann. “To make the move as easy as possible, I encourage visits to various places for tours, and more than once if needed. If you’re moving from your original home, you can often do it more slowly, or first consider in-home care. There are a lot of waiting lists, and it’s OK to submit your name.

“The No. 1 mistake people make when they’re selecting a place is not being brutally honest with themselves about whether they’ll be happy there,” she says. “For some people, assisted living isn’t the right move and it’s better to stay at home (providing their health allows). But they need to make sure their home is safe for them.”

“SUPPORT INDEPENDENCE”

“My definition of assisted living is to support independence,” says Theresa Taylor, in her 10th year as executive director and resident services director at Fairhaven Estates. “We try to encourage people to continue doing what they were doing when they moved here, and to continue doing what they want to do. We want to provide any necessary medical support or assistance our residents prefer to have — medical, emotional, functional.”

She works with families of residents to make sure they understand individual financial realities and needs.

“Our contract is a basic rental agreement, no harder to understand than any other rental agreements,” she says. She urges residents and their families to ask questions and make sure they understand the terms.

Leslie Keller, community relations director for The Willows, says her facility’s contracts are basic. “They’re very straightforward and we’re on a month-to-month basis,” she says. “Often, when a person is looking into this type of living, they don’t really know what they’re looking for. Part of my job is helping them come to a conclusion about what they really want. There are so many different options, it can become very confusing.”

Keller gives seniors and their families a raft of information dealing with the many social and education programs at The Willows, along with a typical menu and information about safety, such as pull-cords when help is needed immediately.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

“Part of making (the choice easier) is how you feel when you first walk in,” says Keller at The Willows. “For a lot of people, that first impression is very important.”

That’s exactly how Tedford felt when she first toured Lynden Manor. “I just walked in and said, ‘This is where I want to be.’ I’ve never looked back, and I’ve never regretted my move. I felt The Lord had worked it all out for me. I got sensible about it, and my kids were really surprised!”

“For me, it was important to see that so many of the staff had been here a long time,” says Sizer, recalling her first meeting with Keller.

At Fairhaven Estates, Donna Hubner, 80, says sons Mark and Jon were vital in making her move easier. “I felt like I was coming home,” she says. “I had been depressed, and it just felt comfortable here. I fell into the right spot at the right time.”

Hubner says her beloved cat has helped in her transition to assisted living.

Keller says the ability to keep a pet or plant can be significant in helping people adjust. “We allow small pets, and plants can be transferred to residents’ rooms,” she says.

Many facilities make similar accommodations, but few, if any, facilities allow large dogs for logistical reasons. Large pets, in fact, can be a major factor when healthy seniors decide whether they’re ready to relocate.

Gardiner, a resident at The Willows, says that if there are waiting lists, the sensible approach is to take a one-bedroom and transfer to a two-bedroom when possible, as she did. She says it’s important to ask about such possibilities before moving in, and also to ask whether current residents are given priority when rooms become available.

OPEN TO NEW EXPERIENCES

Hubner says the adjustment to assisted living can be much easier if residents will be open to new experiences. “I had never exercised much, but when I first came to Fairhaven Estates, they got me into exercise, and I surprised myself by becoming an exercise leader,” she says. “I was never an outgoing person, and now they can’t shut me up. I also got involved in bingo.

“The one drawback is that you can get so close to new friends, and then you lose them (when they die).”

Earl Kelley, the Lynden Manor resident from Wyoming, says taking a realistic approach to growing limitations is important as people age. “We lived in a house in Laramie for many years, but we found we eventually could not do enough around our home,” he says. “We came here to be near family, but we had come to a decision well before we came out here.”

Tedford says her adjustment to Lynden Manor has been heightened by her continued involvement on the food committee, since she always had loved to cook, plus her participation in music, games and bus tours.

“Cooking had always been my passion, but as I told everyone in my family, ‘I’ve hung up my apron.’ But it’s still fun to serve on the food committee. I have to admit, though, that sometimes I’d still love to bake a custard.”

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