All gardeners: This is my last column for the year, but I’ll be back in the early spring. So I thought I would leave you with a humorous piece that my husband wrote about living with a gardening fanatic.
GOLDEN BULLDOZER AWARD
“A Spouses’ Survival Guide Or: Living with O.G.D. – Obsessive Gardener’s Disorder”
By William Mirand
1. Never question the size, shape or costs of any gardening project. The only allowable question is, “Are you sure it’s big enough?”
2. Follow all your gardener’s instructions promptly and with a cheerful attitude. Remember, your job is to serve the gardener.
3. Always be available with cold drinks, shoulder rubs and prepared meals (for safety, you’ll need to pre-approve these).
4. When driving with your gardener, never drive past a nursery or garden shop without stopping. You may want to consider buying a larger truck.
5. Build all garden structures on demand, even if you need to take time off work.
6. Never ever ask or suggest to your gardener that they appear “frazzled” by asking “Are you doing too much?”
7. When you’re up at midnight preserving and processing garden produce, take comfort that your garden is saving you time and money. DON’T DO COST COMPARISONS!
8. Seek out support groups or other partners with the same problems: Do not be ashamed!
9. It is never too early to begin planning next year’s garden. Try to intercept all seed catalogues that come in the mail.
10. Never refuse help to anyone else requesting help with their garden.
11. Violation of any of these guidelines will lead to extreme pain and suffering.
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY
▪ If your gardener is self-medicating (buying plants alone), report it.
▪ Always have several exit strategies ready: headache, dental appointment, need to visit a sick friend, nail appointment, etc.
Kathleen Bander of Bellingham is a life-long gardener. Her column appeared in The Bellingham Herald weekly through the summer growing season. If you have a gardening question you’d like answered in the column, please email it to firstname.lastname@example.org. For more gardening information online, go to whatcom.wsu.edu/ch/mg.html.